Bah Humbug.

“I hate New Years Eve like you hate Christmas.” 

Yeah, that’s what my husband said to me two days ago.  I started to protest about how fun NYE can be, then I realized- he said that I hate Christmas? I have to admit usually J Bird is spot on with metaphors but I wasn’t sure how to feel about this one.

I never said I hate Christmas.  I never acted like I hate Christmas. I decorated the house for hours, made cookies (endo-diet approved!) and sang along to xmas music while doing so.  Did I give the impression that I did not like the day Jesus was born?

Maybe he could have thought that was so because while I was in the shower that morning I exclaimed, “If we don’t have a baby or I’m not pregnant by next Christmas, I’m NOT decorating!!! I spent hours decorating and we did not even have any visitors while the decorations have been up.  We only turned the lights on like, 5 times!!”

Or maybe it was in the days leading up to Xmas when I repeatedly asked and told him “Does it feel like Xmas?  I can’t feel it”  “ It doesn’t even feel like Xmas!”.

I guess I have been in a little bit of a funk this year regarding the holidays.  It hasn’t made me feel sad or anything, I just…don’t feel like it is that special time of the year.  It could be for two reasons.  One: We don’t have a little one to share the excitement with.  I feel like when you have a baby or child that you get excited for them and can’t wait to share this time of year with them.

Two: For the first time EVER I was not home with my family.  Since both of our families celebrate on Xmas eve, we have usually switched on and off.  One year we spent with his family on Xmas eve and then flew out on Xmas day and then next year we spend Xmas eve with my family and flew out Xmas day.  It turned out that while we had fun on Xmas eve, we spent all of Christmas day travelling and unable to get in quality time with either of our families. 

This year I suggested that we stay here for Xmas eve and day and then visit my family later for the holidays.  It was great.  We did not have to coordinate our travel plans with the holiday and we could fully enjoy being in one place.  However, I realized that one thing was missing: My family.  Jason’s family is wonderful.  Right from the very beginning they have been welcoming and loving towards me.  We have a lot of fun eating and talking with them during the family gatherings. 

In my mind and heart, I know that “his” family is my family.  But really there is nothing like being around my parents, my brothers, future SIL, nephew and my extended family.  So, I think that is where some of my “Bah humbug-ness” came from this year.  Not being able to physically share the day with those I grew up with.  My hope is that one year, my family will be able to come down and stay with us and then we can have one big holiday party together.  I think that would be just the best thing ever.  Or even better, we forget buying any presents and just meet up some place warm and spend time together.  “My” family and “his” family. And maybe a baby.

Our family.

Thank you!

Thank you to everyone who read my blog yesterday.  At first I was just intending to share it with other people who had the same struggles: others from the websites and blogs that I read.  However, J Bird encouraged me to make it public to our friends and families.  I got a lot of texts, fb messages and emails telling me that people in our life had no idea that we were dealing with infertility, a miscarriage and endometriosis.  I had always prided myself on being very private and able to handle a lot stress without sharing it with others.

What I have learned is that by keeping my “issues” to myself or only telling my immediate family it made the issue seem soooo big.  Any piece of news I received from the doctor would bounce around in my head with no way of escape. By sharing my journey, it helps to diminish my issues.  I find friends and family members that have gone through the same exact things I am going through.  It creates a bond that would have not otherwise existed. 

In my first few entries I glossed over some key terms that I would like to explain (in my own words).  You may have heard of these words but may not be exactly sure what they meant.

Endometriosis: When the lining of your uterus grows in places outside of the uterus. Doctors do not know the cause of endo. It could be caused at the end of a women’s cycle when she sheds the lining (her period) and instead of the lining coming out of the body the lining goes back into the body into places it shouldn’t be. The symptoms can include; painful, heavy and long periods, painful intercourse, abdominal cramping, intestinal pain, rectal bleeding and fatigue to name a few.

Laparoscopy: A minor outpatient surgery where the doctor makes two incisions- one in the belly button and one near the pelvic area.  The doctor put a lighted microscope thing in the incisions and takes a look at your lady bits to find endometriosis.  (Obviously this is not the technical version!)

Hysteroscopy: While the doctor is looking at your reproductive and digestive systems with the laparascopy, if there is endometriosis he/she will use another tool to burn (ew) it off.

Clomid: Not quite a fertility drug, but a drug used to help a woman ovulate.  In my case, I was ovulating later and later and my luteal phase (time between ovulation and period) was too short.  At our house, we have nicknamed Clomid “crazy pills” cause they make me act a little cray cray.  Mood swings out of this world.  This last cycle I took them at night and found that during the days my moods were a tad more stable and I did not have any night flashes.

I am off to do hot yoga with the hubs.  Have a wonderful night J

Gluten-free granola bars recipe

Today I was headed to work, but my eyes kept watering, I was sneezing and overall I just felt like crap.  I didn't want to pass on any kind of sickness for the holidays, so I cancelled my appts and headed back home.  To pass the time at home I made some gluten-free granola bars.  They turned out pretty yummy!

Gluten-free Granola Bars
3 cups gf rolled oats
2/3 cup oat bran
1 cup brown sugar
2 tbsp canola oil
3/4 cup blue agave nectar (can substitute with maple syrup)
6 tbsp melted I can't believe it's not butter stick
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup almonds
1/4 cup pumpkin seeds
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 cup cranberries
1/2 unsweetened coconut flakes

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees
Mix all of the dry ingredients together.
Mix all of the liquid ingredients in a separate bowl.
Mix dry and liquid together.  Add agave sweetener if mixture is too dry.  Try for a happy medium that is not too sticky and not too dry.
PS- use any dried fruit, nuts or seeds that you like.  Aim for 2-3 cups total.
Grease a 13" x 9" x2" pan.
Pour granola into pan.
Push granola down so that it will bind together.  It is helpful to put a piece of plastic-wrap on and then press down.
Cook for 25-30 minutes.
Mixture may be soft when it comes out of the oven, but it will firm up as it cools.

Cut and enjoy!

Endo- diet

I have taken on the Endo diet since November 1st.  No dairy,  no soy, no gluten, no red meat, only organic meat, lots of fruits, veggies, nuts and seeds.  I've gotten most of my information for the diet from this book: Endometriosis: A key to healing through Nutrition.


Of course, I have had my cheat days.  Sometimes we go to Subway and I cannot resist getting a flatbread sandwich with pepper jack cheese and chicken.  And the holidays are pretty tough, as I make no special requests for food items.  I am fine to eat some of these items, but I definitely notice when I eat gluten.  I get a sharp pain in my lower abdomen.

I wanted to start this blog for a few reasons; 1) There are so many other women in the same exact position as me and I find relief in reading their blogs as well and 2) I can use this as a source to vent.  There is nothing more frustrating than trying to explain your feelings to friends and family and being told "It will happen!" "Stop stressing".  I know they are trying to be reassuring, but it just doesn't help!  I'd rather someone just listen and say "Yeah, that does suck".

I am hoping to use this blog mainly to vent, relate to others and post some new endo recipes.

Have a wonderful day!