This is my confession.

I have a problem.

I have secretly done it in a Starbucks, Walgreens, WalMart’s, Rite Aid’s, gas stations and a few other public buildings.

I have hidden the bag it came in and the receipts in my car, in the garbage can outside of my house, buried it under the kitchen garbage, underneath the guest towel in the guest bathroom or made sure to dispose of the “evidence” in a public trashcan.

I’ve done it at all hours of the night and day.  3 pm.  3 am.  First thing in the morning.

I try to be undetectable. In order to hide what I’ve been doing, so that I can continue to do it. When and Wherever I want (and I do mean wherever!)

It has caused a strain on my relationship (for a few hours at a time).  My husband doesn’t agree with the frequency to which I partake in my vice or the amount of money I have wasted on it.

I have a confession.

I am a pee-on-a-stick-aholic. 

Mean Green Juice

I have juiced mainly fruits to this point, but this weekend I made a green juice.  It was delicious! It definitely looked like Jersey shore water, but had a very sweet taste with a kick of ginger.

Mean Green Juice (It doesn't look so mean :)
3 kale leaves
2 celery stalks
1/2 cucumber
2 green apples
1/2 lemon
1 inch ginger

The actual recipe called for twice the amount kale, cucumber and lemon I have listed but it made more that enough juice for me.

Enjoy!

The ups and downs

This week started out really great.  On a whim Monday I looked at the ABA international website to check out some jobs in the area and I found one that sounded perfect.  It includes working with children with autism in the school, home and even providing therapy at the organization.  A job where I would be compensated for driving and paper work!  A job in which I don't have to rely on anyone else to schedule a session.  And most importantly, a job in which I don't have to drive an hour and a half to get to.  I immediately called and set up an interview for the next day.  The interview went wonderful and they pretty much offered me the position right then and there.  I am pretty sure that I have the job, I am just waiting until I get a contract signed to say it's a done deal.

I was sooooo incredibly happy when I left my interview.  I haven't been out of grad school that long, but I have been working my way towards a position with children with autism and actually providing the therapy myself.  I love the job I have right now, but the drive is not so fun.

Wednesday, I was on cloud nine.  That was until I received a phone call from the doctor's office.  The doctor recommends that you get blood work taken on day 21 of your cycle while you are on Clomid, so that they can check progesterone and see if you ovulate.  This is my 5th cycle of Clomid and I have ovulated each time on 50 mg.  Well, the nurse left me a message saying the my progesterone was 6.4.  Anything over 15 means you ovulated.

I felt like I was drop kicked in the stomach.  I have gotten used to seeing the single line on a pregnancy test and feeling that disappointment, but this took me to a whole other level of sadness.  No ovulation? So, there wasn't anything going on down there when it should have been?

I was also very confused because I used an ovulation predictor kit (OPK) and I had gotten a smiley face on day 13 signaling ovulation in 48-72 hours.  I assumed that I had ovulated day 14 or 15.

I was incredibly sad and pissed.  Pissed that my body wasn't functioning normally, even though I was on a drug to help me ovulate.  Pissed that I had a laparascopy 2 months ago and I thought that cleaned out the endo so all my lady parts were sparkling new inside. Sad that this journey just keeps going with no end in sight.  Sad that even though I was doing everything right; supplements, Clomid, vitamins, BD timing, OPK's, eating healthy- this was not something I could control.

That night J Bird and I  caved into our vices- his chocolate frozen yogurt and mine- wine.  We bitched about it.  I cried about the unfairness of it.

J Bird suggested that we put a time limit on our feeling sorry for ourselves.  We get 24 hours to feel bad and then we have to move on.  I thought this was a great idea.  After our 24 hours had expired we sat down and each wrote out a timeline of what steps to take next.  We are both planners and this is something that was necessary to make sure we were on the same page with what we were willing to try.

For now we decided that we will do 100 mg of Clomid next cycle and also do a HGC injection on day 14.  The HGC shot was my idea after reading a message board.  The doctor went along with it, so I guess it wasn't too bad of an idea.  From what I know it will give my body an extra boost to ensure ovulation.  It will be interesting to see how my body reacts to the 100 mg of Clomid...it should be twice the "fun" right!?

Getting back on the wagon

After all my Bah-humbuging we packed ourselves up and went up North to visit my fam.  We visited my family over about 5 days and it was really great to spend some quality time just hanging out and it was especially exciting to see my nephew.  We have seen him about every 3-4 months and it is crazy how much those grow over those few months! Last time we saw him he was like an inspector, curiously watching our every move and only smiling if we worked really, really hard for it.  This time he lavished us with smiles and even cocked his head to one side and shrugged his shoulders while smiling.  Completely mugging and we completely loved it.

 Our little party animal!

I can safely say I fell waaaay off the wagon in regards to my diet healthstyle.  There was gluten, dairy, and chocolate being offered everywhere when usually I don’t come into contact with all this food.  And really, who can pass up a Chinese buffet in the middle of an Amish market?? Not me!  My brother and his fiancé did make a really good gluten- free meal with homemade lentil soup and vegetable k bobs with chicken and shrimp one day while we visited with them.

We received a juicer and a blender for xmas and J Bird and I were super excited to start mixing up some fruits and vegetables.  We purchased some protein called Amazing Meal, which is soy-free, dairy-free and gluten-free.  It definitely adds a certain...flavor to my smoothies, but it has pretty much every healthy ingredient I was looking for.  It includes: wheat grass, barley grass, alfalfa & kale, chlorophyll, antioxidants and essential fatty acids and 10 grams of complete protein, 6 grams of fiber in every serving.

Even though I have only been trying out the endo-diet for a few months, it has gotten a lot easier to find a variety of good foods.  At first I loaded up on only fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds because I just wasn’t sure what was safe to eat.  It seemed that I could stick to a vegan diet, but then any meat alternative seemed to be made of soy.  I have learned to navigate pretty well and I am (usually) content with my meals.

Here is a run-down of what I eat during a typical day:

Breakfast: Chex gluten-free cereal and Almond milk, loose leaf Green Tea

Second Breakfast (cause I need two! Usually after a workout so don’t judge me!): Juice with protein.  I have been experimenting with different fruits but the one I like is; 1 apple, 1 orange, 1 kiwi, piece of ginger, handful of strawberries and blueberries and half a scoop of protein

Lunch: I usually graze over lunch because of my work schedule I will just eat between meetings: Greek yogurt (an exception to the no-dairy rule because it helps to balance the flora in the stomach), homemade trail mix (peanuts, cashews, raisins, Craisins and sunflower seeds), coconut water and a banana.

Dinner: Progresso gluten-free soup and a salad (lettuce, spinach, Ken’s HM, egg, cucumber, tomato, and tortilla strips).

So as you can see I’m not making any fabulous meals, but I feel like I am getting a pretty good variety of foods and textures.