Bah Humbug.

“I hate New Years Eve like you hate Christmas.” 

Yeah, that’s what my husband said to me two days ago.  I started to protest about how fun NYE can be, then I realized- he said that I hate Christmas? I have to admit usually J Bird is spot on with metaphors but I wasn’t sure how to feel about this one.

I never said I hate Christmas.  I never acted like I hate Christmas. I decorated the house for hours, made cookies (endo-diet approved!) and sang along to xmas music while doing so.  Did I give the impression that I did not like the day Jesus was born?

Maybe he could have thought that was so because while I was in the shower that morning I exclaimed, “If we don’t have a baby or I’m not pregnant by next Christmas, I’m NOT decorating!!! I spent hours decorating and we did not even have any visitors while the decorations have been up.  We only turned the lights on like, 5 times!!”

Or maybe it was in the days leading up to Xmas when I repeatedly asked and told him “Does it feel like Xmas?  I can’t feel it”  “ It doesn’t even feel like Xmas!”.

I guess I have been in a little bit of a funk this year regarding the holidays.  It hasn’t made me feel sad or anything, I just…don’t feel like it is that special time of the year.  It could be for two reasons.  One: We don’t have a little one to share the excitement with.  I feel like when you have a baby or child that you get excited for them and can’t wait to share this time of year with them.

Two: For the first time EVER I was not home with my family.  Since both of our families celebrate on Xmas eve, we have usually switched on and off.  One year we spent with his family on Xmas eve and then flew out on Xmas day and then next year we spend Xmas eve with my family and flew out Xmas day.  It turned out that while we had fun on Xmas eve, we spent all of Christmas day travelling and unable to get in quality time with either of our families. 

This year I suggested that we stay here for Xmas eve and day and then visit my family later for the holidays.  It was great.  We did not have to coordinate our travel plans with the holiday and we could fully enjoy being in one place.  However, I realized that one thing was missing: My family.  Jason’s family is wonderful.  Right from the very beginning they have been welcoming and loving towards me.  We have a lot of fun eating and talking with them during the family gatherings. 

In my mind and heart, I know that “his” family is my family.  But really there is nothing like being around my parents, my brothers, future SIL, nephew and my extended family.  So, I think that is where some of my “Bah humbug-ness” came from this year.  Not being able to physically share the day with those I grew up with.  My hope is that one year, my family will be able to come down and stay with us and then we can have one big holiday party together.  I think that would be just the best thing ever.  Or even better, we forget buying any presents and just meet up some place warm and spend time together.  “My” family and “his” family. And maybe a baby.

Our family.

Thank you!

Thank you to everyone who read my blog yesterday.  At first I was just intending to share it with other people who had the same struggles: others from the websites and blogs that I read.  However, J Bird encouraged me to make it public to our friends and families.  I got a lot of texts, fb messages and emails telling me that people in our life had no idea that we were dealing with infertility, a miscarriage and endometriosis.  I had always prided myself on being very private and able to handle a lot stress without sharing it with others.

What I have learned is that by keeping my “issues” to myself or only telling my immediate family it made the issue seem soooo big.  Any piece of news I received from the doctor would bounce around in my head with no way of escape. By sharing my journey, it helps to diminish my issues.  I find friends and family members that have gone through the same exact things I am going through.  It creates a bond that would have not otherwise existed. 

In my first few entries I glossed over some key terms that I would like to explain (in my own words).  You may have heard of these words but may not be exactly sure what they meant.

Endometriosis: When the lining of your uterus grows in places outside of the uterus. Doctors do not know the cause of endo. It could be caused at the end of a women’s cycle when she sheds the lining (her period) and instead of the lining coming out of the body the lining goes back into the body into places it shouldn’t be. The symptoms can include; painful, heavy and long periods, painful intercourse, abdominal cramping, intestinal pain, rectal bleeding and fatigue to name a few.

Laparoscopy: A minor outpatient surgery where the doctor makes two incisions- one in the belly button and one near the pelvic area.  The doctor put a lighted microscope thing in the incisions and takes a look at your lady bits to find endometriosis.  (Obviously this is not the technical version!)

Hysteroscopy: While the doctor is looking at your reproductive and digestive systems with the laparascopy, if there is endometriosis he/she will use another tool to burn (ew) it off.

Clomid: Not quite a fertility drug, but a drug used to help a woman ovulate.  In my case, I was ovulating later and later and my luteal phase (time between ovulation and period) was too short.  At our house, we have nicknamed Clomid “crazy pills” cause they make me act a little cray cray.  Mood swings out of this world.  This last cycle I took them at night and found that during the days my moods were a tad more stable and I did not have any night flashes.

I am off to do hot yoga with the hubs.  Have a wonderful night J

Gluten-free granola bars recipe

Today I was headed to work, but my eyes kept watering, I was sneezing and overall I just felt like crap.  I didn't want to pass on any kind of sickness for the holidays, so I cancelled my appts and headed back home.  To pass the time at home I made some gluten-free granola bars.  They turned out pretty yummy!

Gluten-free Granola Bars
3 cups gf rolled oats
2/3 cup oat bran
1 cup brown sugar
2 tbsp canola oil
3/4 cup blue agave nectar (can substitute with maple syrup)
6 tbsp melted I can't believe it's not butter stick
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup almonds
1/4 cup pumpkin seeds
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 cup cranberries
1/2 unsweetened coconut flakes

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees
Mix all of the dry ingredients together.
Mix all of the liquid ingredients in a separate bowl.
Mix dry and liquid together.  Add agave sweetener if mixture is too dry.  Try for a happy medium that is not too sticky and not too dry.
PS- use any dried fruit, nuts or seeds that you like.  Aim for 2-3 cups total.
Grease a 13" x 9" x2" pan.
Pour granola into pan.
Push granola down so that it will bind together.  It is helpful to put a piece of plastic-wrap on and then press down.
Cook for 25-30 minutes.
Mixture may be soft when it comes out of the oven, but it will firm up as it cools.

Cut and enjoy!

Endo- diet

I have taken on the Endo diet since November 1st.  No dairy,  no soy, no gluten, no red meat, only organic meat, lots of fruits, veggies, nuts and seeds.  I've gotten most of my information for the diet from this book: Endometriosis: A key to healing through Nutrition.


Of course, I have had my cheat days.  Sometimes we go to Subway and I cannot resist getting a flatbread sandwich with pepper jack cheese and chicken.  And the holidays are pretty tough, as I make no special requests for food items.  I am fine to eat some of these items, but I definitely notice when I eat gluten.  I get a sharp pain in my lower abdomen.

I wanted to start this blog for a few reasons; 1) There are so many other women in the same exact position as me and I find relief in reading their blogs as well and 2) I can use this as a source to vent.  There is nothing more frustrating than trying to explain your feelings to friends and family and being told "It will happen!" "Stop stressing".  I know they are trying to be reassuring, but it just doesn't help!  I'd rather someone just listen and say "Yeah, that does suck".

I am hoping to use this blog mainly to vent, relate to others and post some new endo recipes.

Have a wonderful day!

The lap

I had the laparoscopy about a month ago. I was really nervous about the recovery.  I read everything from people going to work the next day to being out of commission for a month.
My mom flew in for the surgery and we were able to spend the day before eating bad for us Southern foods and shopping.  It was very relaxing.  I was not able to eat on the morning of my surgery so it's a good thing it was scheduled for 8 am.  Before they gave me the anesthesia they gave me some really good drugs and it was time to say goodnight to my husband and mom.  The surgery went quickly and I was home by 10am.  I was a little sore, but not too bad, I'm sure I was on a lot of pain killers at that time.  The rest of the day was spent napping on and off and the only real pain I had was gas pain under my diaphram and in my right shoulder.  I went to bed at 10 pm and woke at 3am.  I wasn't in pain, I think that I had too much sleep the day before.

The next two days I did not have any gas pains, was light headed upon standing up and experienced discomfort when trying to get off the couch.  I believe that I got my period that day because I was bleeding quite heavily.  I did not take any pain medications, was a little nauseous at night, but was able to sleep about 11 hours.  I was able to drive my self by day 3 and went back to work day 5.  I had to wear comfortable pants and make sure that I did not pick up any children, but overall it was only a minor discomfort.

After my surgery I kept asking my husband and mom how it went.  They would tell me good...but then there would be a silence.  Finally after much instance they told me.  The doctor had found endo on my uterus, bladder, ovaries and rectum. It is considered stage IV when it reaches the digestive system and since the rectum is a sensitive area, the doctor was unable to remove it there.  When the doctor spoke with J Bird after surgery he had seemed unsure of what the next step would be.

On Monday I call the doctor so that he can speak to me directly about what needed to happen next.  He considered the endo to be extensive and thought that I should take Lupron to decrease the endo on my rectum....ok.  So what's Lupron?? Oh, only a drug that would send my body into a "menopause-like" state for 6 months.  The news sent me reeling.  Before surgery I was told that I could go on Clomid the next month and start trying for a baby.  Now I had to wait 7 months to start trying again?!  I bawled in the parking lot of Marshalls until J Bird came over from work.  He reassured me that in the long scheme, 7 months was nothing. We could check off everything we had left on our newlywed bucket list.

So, I resigned myself to the fact that I would be experiencing hot flashes and mood swings for the next 6 months of my 29 year old life.  That is, until I started my internet research.  What I found on the world wide web was not positive reviews of Lupron, in fact, there were many lawsuits against the makers of Lupron because of the damaging side effects. I understand that some people only write negative reviews and those who have positive experiences may never write on the internet.  However, it wasn't a chance I was willing to take.

One option I thought sounded reasonable was the endo diet.  In short it's a gluten-free, soy-free and dairy-free diet.  So, all I have to do is not eat these foods and my endo pain will decrease?  Sounds much better to me than the alternative of losing bone density for the entirety of my life and being a bitch on wheels for 6 months.  So began my endo diet.  Which I quickly renamed my healthstyle.  Every time I told someone that I was on a "diet" they would say, "You don't need to lose weight!" and I would have to explain what I meant by diet and the purpose of my particular way of eating.  The way I started describing it, to avoid confusion, became my healthstyle. My new way of eating, not to lose weight, but to lose any of that icky endo that is still lurking around.

Let's pop my cherry

My first blog entry! How exciting.  First things first I'll explain why I felt the need to blog.  Over the past year and a half my husband (J bird) and I have been trying to get pregnant.  We got pregnant on our wedding night (woohoo!!) after 4-5 months of half-assed trying.  We felt so incredible lucky and blessed.  We had been sorta trying a few month before the wedding at the time when we knew I would not be showing for the wedding day.  When we saw the two lines on the pregnancy test we were both shocked...it was so easy! I spent the next month in a haze...doctors appointments, FitPregnancy magazines and tons of online research.  My brother and his girlfriend were 4 months pregnant so we flew home to share the incredible news with my family and to set up a registry at Babies R Us.  Yes a little early, but we were so caught up in the moment that we could not resist.

Fast forward to 8 weeks.  My first transvaginal ultrasound.  That morning I cooked eggs and had cracked an egg with 2 yolks.  Oh my gosh...does this mean we will hear two heartbeats at the ultrasound?  I hope so!  J Bird and I held hands as the nurse slathered my belly up with jelly.  The room was silent.  The nurse said she would have to get the doctor in the room to speak with us.  Immediately my eyes welled up with tears. The doctor delivered the news that there was no heart beat and the baby was not looking to be 8 weeks.  Heartbreak.  We waited another week to see if possibly the baby had grown at all and it was a fluke.  But it wasn't. We schedule the D & C immediately.

I can't begin to describe all of the emotions that I went through after hearing this news.  At first we were just shocked to get pregnant so fast and now we could not believe that we were not going to be having a baby.  We decided that we were just going to live like the newlyweds we were.  Spur of the moment trips, sleeping in as late as we want, doing whatever our hearts desire.  But that feeling was always there...we want to have a baby.

After a year of trying and no results I went back to the doctor and he prescribed Clomid almost as fast as I told him we had been trying for a year.  No bloodwork, no other questions.  After my first cycle of Clomid I began to experience very painful periods.  Debilitating.  After 3 very painful cycles I spoke with my doctor.  I had began experiencing pain with intercourse soon after the miscarriage and now had very painful periods.  He suspected it was Endometriosis and we scheduled a Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy.  Basically a surgery to go in, have a look at my lady parts, find endometriosis, and treat the endo by (yuck) burning it off.

In my next post I will talk about the results of the Laparoscopy and what has happened since!