“I hate New Years Eve like you hate Christmas.”
Yeah, that’s what my husband said to me two days ago. I started to protest about how fun NYE can be, then I realized- he said that I hate Christmas? I have to admit usually J Bird is spot on with metaphors but I wasn’t sure how to feel about this one.
I never said I hate Christmas. I never acted like I hate Christmas. I decorated the house for hours, made cookies (endo-diet approved!) and sang along to xmas music while doing so. Did I give the impression that I did not like the day Jesus was born?
Maybe he could have thought that was so because while I was in the shower that morning I exclaimed, “If we don’t have a baby or I’m not pregnant by next Christmas, I’m NOT decorating!!! I spent hours decorating and we did not even have any visitors while the decorations have been up. We only turned the lights on like, 5 times!!”
Or maybe it was in the days leading up to Xmas when I repeatedly asked and told him “Does it feel like Xmas? I can’t feel it” “ It doesn’t even feel like Xmas!”.
I guess I have been in a little bit of a funk this year regarding the holidays. It hasn’t made me feel sad or anything, I just…don’t feel like it is that special time of the year. It could be for two reasons. One: We don’t have a little one to share the excitement with. I feel like when you have a baby or child that you get excited for them and can’t wait to share this time of year with them.
Two: For the first time EVER I was not home with my family. Since both of our families celebrate on Xmas eve, we have usually switched on and off. One year we spent with his family on Xmas eve and then flew out on Xmas day and then next year we spend Xmas eve with my family and flew out Xmas day. It turned out that while we had fun on Xmas eve, we spent all of Christmas day travelling and unable to get in quality time with either of our families.
This year I suggested that we stay here for Xmas eve and day and then visit my family later for the holidays. It was great. We did not have to coordinate our travel plans with the holiday and we could fully enjoy being in one place. However, I realized that one thing was missing: My family. Jason’s family is wonderful. Right from the very beginning they have been welcoming and loving towards me. We have a lot of fun eating and talking with them during the family gatherings.
In my mind and heart, I know that “his” family is my family. But really there is nothing like being around my parents, my brothers, future SIL, nephew and my extended family. So, I think that is where some of my “Bah humbug-ness” came from this year. Not being able to physically share the day with those I grew up with. My hope is that one year, my family will be able to come down and stay with us and then we can have one big holiday party together. I think that would be just the best thing ever. Or even better, we forget buying any presents and just meet up some place warm and spend time together. “My” family and “his” family. And maybe a baby.
Our family.
This sounds so familiar... I wish the holidays could be easier but I never found a way to make them that way. I took the grin and bare it in front of people, cry on husbands shoulder when alone route. The one good peice of advice I have is that in the moment it never seems like it will get better, but it does. Last year at Christmas I was in the worst mental shape ever and thought things might never get better but they did. I hope your DH can pull through NYE like you did Christmas!
ReplyDeleteThanks Lindsey! It was the first time away from my family, so I am hoping it gets easier over time...or everyone moves closer to me :) Congratulations on your wiener confirmation!
ReplyDeleteAfter reading my comment I realize it makes it seem like you personally had a wiener confirmation. HA! But I am sure you know what I meant. By the way I love your blog and that you call yourself a pregnant infertile. After dealing with infertility I am sure that it is something you always identify with...even if you get pregnant.
ReplyDeletewell since we're sharing i won't mind telling you i was in somewhat of a funk for a couple weeks because i knew i would be spending christmas without my daughter for the first time.no one or everyone else can't take the place in my heart that i have for you.my heart breaks for you all the time.i just tell myself that when we finaly have that little one we will only appreciate her or him more than anything ever!it will be our best christmas ever!still carrying your heart in my heart,mom
ReplyDeleteChristmas is always rough for me. Always has been, but this year was definitely a year of loneliness and emptyness feeling like those babies I see in my dreams will never actually be here.
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, I'm the grinch.
But I LOVE New Years! Pretty much my favorite ever! All about the starting over and getting a clean slate! ;)
Hey girlie, of all people I understand this situation all to well. I remember the first time I had to pull call on Christmas as I was forced to be away from my family for the first time. I was in tears, and like you, thankfully Gabe's family has always treated me like one of their own. We decided that we would alternate Christmas between the fams and then we just decided that....it didn't matter that we weren't actually with our families on the actual day, just that we did get together. So we decided to go to Texas EVERY December regardless of whether or not it was on Christmas day. I've really enjoyed it this way. Also when Gabe and I were struggling for money we told everyone that we couldn't afford to buy gifts, and it was probably the most stress-free Christmas ever, and yet the most rewarding because our families knew we were struggling and blessed us beyond what we could ever expect.
ReplyDeleteYeah, Michelle I guess it just takes some time to get the holidays worked out to where it makes each person happy and not feel like they are missing out on festivities. In the end I liked how we did it this year because we did not feel rushed in and out of one place. We just got to enjoy being either in Nashville or PA.
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