one.day.maybe.baby.room

I had a moment this morning.  I’ve been using our guest room/one.day.maybe.baby.room as my personal hair studio.  It’s not a fancy hair studio, more like just a mirror on the floor, but I can leave my blow dryer, flat iron and brush arranged how I like it and I don’t have to clean it up.  Also since it takes a good while to do my hair I like to sit down.  And once when I was really tired, lay down to do my hair.  I’m sure my hair looked awesome that day.

I peruse the net and today I looked at an interior decorating blog I haven’t seen in months.  The girl who writes it must of gotten pregnant since the last time I saw it, so she had pictures of the nursery she designed.  Since I was sitting in our one.day.maybe.baby.room I let my mind wonder.  I started to think of color schemes and furniture that I would love to use.  I started to get excited because in the upcoming month this day dream may become a reality.  I might to get to design my own nursery.

It was fun…until I started to tear up.  This is one thing that infertility steals from you.  I’m sure women who are planning on getting pregnant day dream about their future nurseries and never stop themselves.  As an infertile, I stopped myself because of the what if’s.  The what if’s that are too painful.  What if a baby never sleeps in this room?  What if I plan this awesome nursery and I never get pregnant again?  What if this room is meant to be my guest room/hair studio and not a guest room/one.day.maybe.baby.room?

So for now, I will stop my daydreaming and focus on what is real.  Things I know will happen.  Take it one step at a time.  And put that damn pregnant interior decorator blogger on my shit list. Until I am pregnant and it’s not a day dream any more.